Sorry...

We broke up, Al and I. About three weeks ago. Yeah... to say I was depressed before... completely doesn't compare to how I am now...

The Charger Cord

Lor:

Last night was kinda eh. Al and I were fighting, and I wasn't focused on my speech, so I was whipped. I had to lay down on the bed with my pants down while my camera charger cord made its way across my butt over and over. Man did that hurt. I ended up crying but we cuddled afterwards.

I knew I deserved it. That's all I was thinking about while I was being whipped. I felt like he should have kept going and shouldn't have stopped until I was begging for mercy.

I wish he would spank me more..

Lor:

The title explains it all. I wish he would spank me more. Like, I wish he would do maintenance spankings to keep me in check. Or just when I'm 'bad'. It barely happens. I just crave it, whether it be punishment or just fun.

Just An Update

Lor:

So Al really wants me to stop smoking, so I suggested something. I really hate when he uses the charger cord on me, so I asked if maybe everytime I smoke a cigarette, he whips me with the cord 10 times. He said he'll think about it, so we'll see.

I brought home this new wooden paddle. I'm kinda excited to use it. :]

Nothing really exciting has happened. A few spankings here and there, but nothing new. I can say this though, I really hate having my period. Because then that means the pants stay on during a spanking. >:( My rule but I just hate it. I can't wait 'til it goes away!

My Fantasy

Lor:

I always think about the perfect spanking. I think I've finally figured it out, and I love it.

It starts as Al pulling me over his knee while he's sitting on the bed, then begins spanking me while my pants are still on. After a little while, he pulls down my pants and spanks me over my underwear, and again after a little bit, pulls those down and spanks me bare bottom, all with his bare hand.

After that, I want him to pull me onto the leg rest and make me get on my hands and knees with just my bra and underwear on and start whipping me with his belt, all the while telling me I'm a naughty girl and that naughty girls get punished. Making me address him as Sir. I want that to continue until I'm crying, and then a little bit after the tears start, I want him to bring me back over his knee until I'm sobbing and go into subspace.

When the spanking is done, I want him to cuddle with me and tell me I'm now a good girl and that I did very well.

I would love for that to happen.

I Feel Crazy...

Lor:

Okay, so last weekend was terrible… I can’t remember which day it was on, I think Saturday. I dissociated so bad to the point where I was.. yes.. whispering to myself. Like, Al would try to get me out of it and I would say to myself ‘don’t listen to him.’

Well everytime I dissociate, a spanking usually wakes me up, so that’s what Al did. He tried.. and tried.. and tried.. and tried.. My butt took quite a beating. It hurt so bad but I just kept saying ‘you deserve this pain, take it, you deserve it’

I don’t know how, but I stood a phone charger cord for about 10 minutes, a brush for about 10 minutes, and his hand for a long time. I just remember clutching my pillow and taking it, not even crying.

Then all of a sudden I went crazy. I just wanted to punch the wall so hard but Al kept me down. I was kicking to get out so he wrapped his leg about me and his shorts like, I don’t even know how to explain it, but they scratched and bruised my thigh just by running across it. It woke me up completely and I was balling my eyes out.

The rest of the night consisted of periods of me crying and dissociating, but I got through it. The reason I got so low was because I feel like.. idk.. I feel like everytime time something goes wrong in the relationship, it’s my fault. I have such low self esteem, it’s terrible. I feel like I ruin everything because I was always told I was.. Long story… but I just hope it never happens again..

One year...

Lor:

So tomorrow, May 2nd, I will be one year cut free. I started cutting 8 years ago, and I had no idea when I was going to stop, or even if I could. But with the help of Al, I was able to. I do still have urges once in a while. Like tonight, I'm thinking, 'what's the point.. what if I mess up anyway.. should I just do it now and get it over with before the one year mark so I don't feel even worse along the road if I do, do it...?' I'm so confused right now.. I should be happy. I know Al's happy for me, and he's been treating me especially good today because he knows how I feel.

I'm just scared.. I'm scared I'll fuck up. It is an addiction... a very hard one to overcome..

Birthday!

Lor:

Thursday was my birthday and I spent it with my family and friends of course. Yesterday though, Al dished out the birthday spankings, which were quite enjoyable. But through the course of about a half an hour, I guess I started getting an attitude, so he decided to spank me even more. It hurt so much, but what he did next I didn't expect at all.

See, sometimes when spanking, he'll use different things to get different reactions or better behavior. Well, my phone charger was sitting on the bed, so when he turned be around and pulled my pants down, he whipped me with the cord of the phone charger, and oh boy, did that hurt. Part of me thinks I was just shocked by how much it hurt, but I started bawling my eyes out after five swings of it and couldn't take anymore, so he hugged me and wouldn't let me go until I was okay.

I calmed down a little after that. Of course there was still pain, but I was feeling a bit better knowing that he respects when I really can't take anymore, so instead of going on, he hugs me until I'm okay.

Motivation

Lor:


Sometimes I lack motivation to do the simplest things. I've decided that I need to start taking better care of myself and not put myself down as much. I have a problem with bringing myself down to the lowest point where my whole day will be shit because of it.


A lot of me wants to work out and be healthy and feel beautiful, even though Al says I'm already fine. I just want to be comfortable in my own body. I lack motivation to do so, though. So, Al gave me a motivational spanking, and I think it worked. I bought some workout clothes and I've been eating healthy. I feel kind of good. Al's slightly afraid of me going back to being anorexic, but I promised him I wouldn't do that.


I just want to be happy.

Adventures in Butt Slapping/Dissociation

Lor:

So, today started off normal. I went to school, worked on stuff for my preschoolers, then went to other classes, then Al picked me up. He brought me food! :] I love when he does that.

Well, we talked about someone I used to like, and I felt really bad. Most of me wished I had never liked the other guy, so nothing would be wrong. I felt so stupid. I started dissociating. It's what happens when I can't handle strong emotions. I hate it. I just space out and really do anything except try to hurt myself in some way to get out of it.

Well, Al has a different way to get me out of it, which I don't mind at all. He rolled me over on my stomach, pulled my pants down, and spanked me with a belt. Man it hurt, but man, did it wake me up and turn me on soooo much, lol. xD He did it several times until I was actually, completely back to normal, and I love him for that. He cares about me so much. He's so amazing.

I then went to work, boring, and now I'm sitting here skyping with him! :]



Al:

So today, I woke up at the sound of my wonderful loud vibrating cellular device. It was Lor, tellinf me to wake up. Or more so of a 'don't you have class?' and me answering, 'yes now hang up so I can get ready.' Yeah. I was pissed. Decided to just skip the whole class because the teacher's a Nazi when it comes to kids being late.

I went to school. Went to the lab. Wasted some time on the computers. went to my second class. Then picked Lor up and went to her house. some days I'm not in the mood to spank her. Today was one of them. I was pretty down from the night before because I saw all her old diary entries on a website about this guy she used to like, who I despise. So I didn't want to hit her,

Well, that changed. She starte feeling bad and unresponsive, which I hate. That's when I got a belt. Objects ceem to be more responsive for her. I turned her around, pulled down her pants, and went to town on her behind until it was reder than Ruddia. Yeah, I just said that. She cheered up an I hugged her and didn't want to let her go. It ruins me when she gets like that... but it was worth seeing her better. And I do enjoy hitting her like that. Mainly because she likes it so much. I love her a lot for it. Not just because of that, but because she's so amazing too.

Punishment/Anger Relief

So, my boyfriend and I deal with things that involve spanking. He's the one who spanks, I'm the one who receives. Last night I can admit I was being a little mean and rude, and just acting a way I shouldn't have, so he was angry and when we were alone I got a spanking. Sometimes when he stops, I say 'is all your anger out?' and if it's not, I want him to continue. I don't want him punching things and doing stupid things to himself.

Sometimes he keeps going, sometimes he doesn't. When he keeps going, I keep my mouth shut and endure it because I know he needs to get anger out an this is one way I'll let him do so. I feel like I deserve it in a lot of ways.

There have been times where he wasn't sure and asked me if I was sure. I always say yes, but sometimes he can't do it and just hugs me, which I like a lot.