Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I Feel Crazy...

Lor:


Okay, so last weekend was terrible… I can’t remember which day it was on, I think Saturday. I dissociated so bad to the point where I was.. yes.. whispering to myself. Like, Al would try to get me out of it and I would say to myself ‘don’t listen to him.’

Well everytime I dissociate, a spanking usually wakes me up, so that’s what Al did. He tried.. and tried.. and tried.. and tried.. My butt took quite a beating. It hurt so bad but I just kept saying ‘you deserve this pain, take it, you deserve it’

I don’t know how, but I stood a phone charger cord for about 10 minutes, a brush for about 10 minutes, and his hand for a long time. I just remember clutching my pillow and taking it, not even crying.

Then all of a sudden I went crazy. I just wanted to punch the wall so hard but Al kept me down. I was kicking to get out so he wrapped his leg about me and his shorts like, I don’t even know how to explain it, but they scratched and bruised my thigh just by running across it. It woke me up completely and I was balling my eyes out.

The rest of the night consisted of periods of me crying and dissociating, but I got through it. The reason I got so low was because I feel like.. idk.. I feel like everytime time something goes wrong in the relationship, it’s my fault. I have such low self esteem, it’s terrible. I feel like I ruin everything because I was always told I was.. Long story… but I just hope it never happens again..

1 comment:

  1. Lor ... I just found your blog and I am so happy for you on your 1 year of sobriety on cutting. I am about to celebrate 2 years of sobriety on an addictive behavior myself. If you would like someone on the outside to chat with you can click on my profile and email me.

    Just know you are not alone!!!

    ~Hugs~
    Lily

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