Lor:
Okay, so last weekend was terrible… I can’t remember which day it was on, I think Saturday. I dissociated so bad to the point where I was.. yes.. whispering to myself. Like, Al would try to get me out of it and I would say to myself ‘don’t listen to him.’
Well everytime I dissociate, a spanking usually wakes me up, so that’s what Al did. He tried.. and tried.. and tried.. and tried.. My butt took quite a beating. It hurt so bad but I just kept saying ‘you deserve this pain, take it, you deserve it’
I don’t know how, but I stood a phone charger cord for about 10 minutes, a brush for about 10 minutes, and his hand for a long time. I just remember clutching my pillow and taking it, not even crying.
Then all of a sudden I went crazy. I just wanted to punch the wall so hard but Al kept me down. I was kicking to get out so he wrapped his leg about me and his shorts like, I don’t even know how to explain it, but they scratched and bruised my thigh just by running across it. It woke me up completely and I was balling my eyes out.
The rest of the night consisted of periods of me crying and dissociating, but I got through it. The reason I got so low was because I feel like.. idk.. I feel like everytime time something goes wrong in the relationship, it’s my fault. I have such low self esteem, it’s terrible. I feel like I ruin everything because I was always told I was.. Long story… but I just hope it never happens again..
