Sorry...

We broke up, Al and I. About three weeks ago. Yeah... to say I was depressed before... completely doesn't compare to how I am now...

The Charger Cord

Lor:

Last night was kinda eh. Al and I were fighting, and I wasn't focused on my speech, so I was whipped. I had to lay down on the bed with my pants down while my camera charger cord made its way across my butt over and over. Man did that hurt. I ended up crying but we cuddled afterwards.

I knew I deserved it. That's all I was thinking about while I was being whipped. I felt like he should have kept going and shouldn't have stopped until I was begging for mercy.

I wish he would spank me more..

Lor:

The title explains it all. I wish he would spank me more. Like, I wish he would do maintenance spankings to keep me in check. Or just when I'm 'bad'. It barely happens. I just crave it, whether it be punishment or just fun.

Just An Update

Lor:

So Al really wants me to stop smoking, so I suggested something. I really hate when he uses the charger cord on me, so I asked if maybe everytime I smoke a cigarette, he whips me with the cord 10 times. He said he'll think about it, so we'll see.

I brought home this new wooden paddle. I'm kinda excited to use it. :]

Nothing really exciting has happened. A few spankings here and there, but nothing new. I can say this though, I really hate having my period. Because then that means the pants stay on during a spanking. >:( My rule but I just hate it. I can't wait 'til it goes away!

My Fantasy

Lor:

I always think about the perfect spanking. I think I've finally figured it out, and I love it.

It starts as Al pulling me over his knee while he's sitting on the bed, then begins spanking me while my pants are still on. After a little while, he pulls down my pants and spanks me over my underwear, and again after a little bit, pulls those down and spanks me bare bottom, all with his bare hand.

After that, I want him to pull me onto the leg rest and make me get on my hands and knees with just my bra and underwear on and start whipping me with his belt, all the while telling me I'm a naughty girl and that naughty girls get punished. Making me address him as Sir. I want that to continue until I'm crying, and then a little bit after the tears start, I want him to bring me back over his knee until I'm sobbing and go into subspace.

When the spanking is done, I want him to cuddle with me and tell me I'm now a good girl and that I did very well.

I would love for that to happen.

I Feel Crazy...

Lor:

Okay, so last weekend was terrible… I can’t remember which day it was on, I think Saturday. I dissociated so bad to the point where I was.. yes.. whispering to myself. Like, Al would try to get me out of it and I would say to myself ‘don’t listen to him.’

Well everytime I dissociate, a spanking usually wakes me up, so that’s what Al did. He tried.. and tried.. and tried.. and tried.. My butt took quite a beating. It hurt so bad but I just kept saying ‘you deserve this pain, take it, you deserve it’

I don’t know how, but I stood a phone charger cord for about 10 minutes, a brush for about 10 minutes, and his hand for a long time. I just remember clutching my pillow and taking it, not even crying.

Then all of a sudden I went crazy. I just wanted to punch the wall so hard but Al kept me down. I was kicking to get out so he wrapped his leg about me and his shorts like, I don’t even know how to explain it, but they scratched and bruised my thigh just by running across it. It woke me up completely and I was balling my eyes out.

The rest of the night consisted of periods of me crying and dissociating, but I got through it. The reason I got so low was because I feel like.. idk.. I feel like everytime time something goes wrong in the relationship, it’s my fault. I have such low self esteem, it’s terrible. I feel like I ruin everything because I was always told I was.. Long story… but I just hope it never happens again..

One year...

Lor:

So tomorrow, May 2nd, I will be one year cut free. I started cutting 8 years ago, and I had no idea when I was going to stop, or even if I could. But with the help of Al, I was able to. I do still have urges once in a while. Like tonight, I'm thinking, 'what's the point.. what if I mess up anyway.. should I just do it now and get it over with before the one year mark so I don't feel even worse along the road if I do, do it...?' I'm so confused right now.. I should be happy. I know Al's happy for me, and he's been treating me especially good today because he knows how I feel.

I'm just scared.. I'm scared I'll fuck up. It is an addiction... a very hard one to overcome..